Frankfurt

On our journey to the Oktoberfest celebration we had an extra day to hang out in Frankfurt, Germany. 

We flew in on a loaded 747 and were surprised to find a short line at border control. The passport agent was chatty and asked us why we were stopping in Frankfurt. Not in a “what is the purpose of your visit?” tone - more intimating “why in the world would you stop here?” 

He went on to explain that most flights from the US used Frankfurt as a hub where travelers would transfer to another flight to a more popular destination. He complimented our sun tans, welcomed us warmly and waved us on through to the vacuous luggage arrival hall. Our bags were easy to find as they traveled around the desolate carousel. 

My son, Tyler, met up with us later in the day and Kim did some research to find an entertaining activity. Options were limited so we settled on the half-day Rhine river tour.  The marketing itinerary outlined 6 hours of adventure through the Rhine Valley and the pictures of castles, wineries, and restaurants were compelling.

We arrived at the tour office 15 minutes early as instructed where we stood on a sidewalk for 45 minutes with some other people waiting for something to happen. 

Public restrooms are extremely difficult to find in Germany. If you are lucky enough to find one they usually require exact-change in coins. I asked the tour office where I could find one and they told me to go to the hotel about 2 blocks away, walk past the check-in desk acting like I belong there, make two left turns, down some steps, etc. etc. 

The tour operator had miscounted and it turned out that the bus was too small for the Rhine Valley group. So they pulled us aside, introduced us to our driver, and put the three of us in a sedan. 

Our driver explained to us that he was new and he didn’t know where we were going so he needed to follow the bus. We made our way through the streets of downtown Frankfurt on our way to the famous Autobahn (the hi-way with no speed limits). Our sedan followed the tour bus very closely so that no other cars could cut in and separate us.

I couldn’t see anything in front of us aside from the back of the tour bus, but as our speed increased I figured out that we were zipper-merging onto the Autobahn.

On cue - our driver delivered his scripted comments “Here in Germany we have no speed limits on the Autobahn. As a result, our drivers are skilled and there are no accidents”.  Accelerating through 100 mph with a tour bus inches ahead of us - the brake lights suddenly came on and we swerved out of our lane, through the next lane and skidded on onto the gravelly shoulder. Before our driver could recover another car took our place immediately behind the tour bus. For the next 15 minutes we surged, swerved, and nudged our way back into position. 

The brake lights of the bus were about eye level to me in the sedan’s passenger seat and for the next hour the focal point of my universe alternated between glances at the speedometer and those lights. 

Eventually we could see the Rhine river to our left as the road coursed along its west bank. On the far side of the river we could see some mildly interesting castles. Our driver called out the names of the castles as we passed - along with a short, scripted phrase describing something notable about them.

Almost two hours after the time we arrived at the tour office we reached a small parking lot beside the road. We were told to get out and wait. It turns out that our harrowing ride in the sedan constituted the first part of our scenic tour.

We stood in a parking lot for probably 20 minutes. No restroom for miles. There was a statue of some guy beside the parking lot - and it turns out this statue was part of the tour. This was at a time shortly after a movement in the US decided that we should tear down any statues of people who ever owned slaves. I decided to fill some time on google to figure out if this guy owned slaves so I could make some quippy comment. It turns out that Germany didn’t really do slavery the same way the US did. In fact, german colonies in the confederate south were opposed to slavery (see Wachovia North Carolina). This observation is based on 5 minutes of google searching - so I wouldn’t use this fun fact in an intellectual dinner conversation. 

I later mused to myself that statues of people in Germany might be worthy of a tour stop because every time they lost a war the latest batch of statues got taken down.  I just thought that up… I’m not really a student of history in that way, so be careful repeating it as some kind of factual observation.

The next phase of our 6-hour Rhine Valley tour was the “river boat cruise”. It became apparent that we were standing in this parking lot with a statue and no restrooms waiting for the neighborhood ferry to come by so we could clamor down a rickety walkway and jump aboard. This ferry boat was doing double-duty getting people home from work/school and serving as a “river cruise tour” boat.

The ferry stopped for less than a minute and we were hurried onboard by our guide. He stayed ashore so he could drive to meet us at the other end. As the boat pulled away he shouted out the name of the stop where we were supposed to disembark. I wasn’t sure I heard him clearly and shouted for him to repeat it and he did. 

Even though we paid full fare for our tickets on the ferry - the restroom still cost .50 euro. Based on my experience - there are very few .50 euro coins in circulation in Germany. No-one ever had one when I asked. And the machines don’t give change. Obviously they could - but they don’t. It is a racket. The same country that can design and build Mercedes, BMW, and the worlds most advanced pharmaceuticals can’t or won’t deploy machines that can make change for a toilet.

If you are going to Germany for a visit, I recommend that you hoard as many .50 euro coins as you can carry. Those that you don’t use you can sell to other tourists for a steep premium.

As we boarded, we were given a sheet of paper that served as our tour guide during the “cruise”. As we passed by the same castles in the reverse order that we just saw from the car - the descriptions on the paper were the exact same words our driver had memorized and shared with us.

We enjoyed a delicious German beer and took some pictures from the top level of the boat. We had been separated from the bus people when they put us in the sedan. They were now sitting nearby but we hadn’t really interacted with them. 

I had finally started to relax when we realized that we should pay attention to the upcoming stops so we got off at the right place. We glanced at the other group and assumed that we could follow their lead - but they were drinking and having a great time and I saw no evidence that they were paying attention.

Kim wanted me to go ask them which was our stop, but I told her that I knew we were supposed to disembark at Ass Man’s House. The other’s must have heard me say it because they all got quiet. Kim was startled and said “Stop it. You are embarrassing me”. Being fairly confident that the guide told us to get off at Ass Man’s House - and also being fairly confident that the other group had no clue where we were going - I repeated myself in a loud voice so that the others would hear “We are going to Ass Man’s House”. I heard some giggling from the other table and Kim was not amused at my lack of refinement. 

Five minutes later…

I was redeemed... Sort of.