Weber Canyon Tubing

Our group of friends decided to enjoy a Summer Sunday in Utah by taking a tube trip down a river. The guys were in charge of the logistics. Nick did most of the actual work – while Greg and I defined the parameters. Nick researched and found all of the options within a 2-hour drive from Park City.

Greg and I eliminated all that had prohibitions on beer. That meant there were 2 options. Nick immediately agreed and felt silly for wasting time on the others.

We chose the one that “discouraged” beer but, in a slight contradiction, also provided a beer cooler inner-tube option. We spent about .001 seconds considering the “discourage” part and about 3 hours evaluating how many coolers we could cram into the cooler tube. And another couple of hours debating our strategy for type and size of beer cans to shove in the coolers.

We finally settled on twist-top pint-sized cans of Coors Light.  And two cooler tubes (one would obviously not be enough). And we’ll load them with soft-sided coolers.

The Friday before the event I had some time over lunch so I decided to do a little research on the river. How dangerous is it? Are there rapids? Water falls? Snakes? Any information I could get would be useful. I started to type in the google search for xxxxx River Tube Rides … before I hit <return> …

“Wait, I don’t have a very good soft-sided beer cooler!”

 So I jumped out of my chair and drove to REI and bought a better one. It took a long time because there are so many to choose from. By the time I got back to my desk I didn’t have any time to do any research on the river.

So Sunday came and the sky was blue and the sun was shining. And we met Greg, Roxi, Nick, Amanda, Pete, and Thea at the parking lot meeting place and put on our sunscreen and jumped on the bus to the get-in-the-water place.

There were stacks of dark red tubes surrounding a grassy lawn area and the girls inspected and selected the perfect tube while the boys huddled around the beer cooler tubes testing out different configurations of coolers and argued about which knot would be most appropriate to lash the cooler tubes to the person tubes.

We lost track of time and I heard a woman’s voice in the distance, speaking with authoritative tone… military-like cadence of delivery – but with a fatigued “I do this 100 times a day” level of energy.  I realized that she was the guide / expert / instructor and we were missing out on some important information.

So I moved away from the beer cooler project to where I could hear her droll, lifeless presentation…

“…. Do not mount your tube on this side of the river. You will get stuck in the tree branches around the corner. And you will get hurt. Walk your tube to the far side of the current and mount it there. Once on the tube you will have 9 minutes to get a feel for how to control your tube. After 9 minutes you will see two large rocks with a chute between them. That is the beginning of Rock Alley. Stay left of the Chute or you will get hurt… Once you exit Rock Alley you will encounter Concussion Bridge. There are three tunnels under the bridge. Do not take the left tunnel or your tube will be punctured by rebar and you will be stranded under the bridge. Do not go into the middle tunnel or the rushing current will trap you against a pile concrete. Go to the right. There is an arrow painted on the bridge. And remember to duck or you will get hurt… and on … and on”

Imagine the Normandy scene where the soldiers are crowded in the boats heading toward the beach with the shells blowing up all around them.

“Troops pay attention. These doors will open and you will make your way to the beach. You will engage the enemy in gunfire. Make your way across the beach to the base of the cliffs. Stay to the left of the big rock or you will get hurt. You will climb the cliffs and you will blow up some stuff at the top and then you will wait for further instructions…”

It was time to get in the water.

I had a vision of being stuck in rushing white water - straddling a rock in “rock alley” near the mouth of the wrong-way concussion tunnel with the cooler tube on one side and me on the other side with the rope hopelessly snagged.

I looked over and Nick was already lashing one of the coolers to his tube. That left one more.

“Hey, Greg! You good?  Kim says she needs some help over here getting on her tube so you got that… okay?”

Kim gave me a puzzled look.

I grabbed my first beer and coozie. Shoved it into a pocket and we made our way across the waist high current to the far side of the river and Kim and I gracefully jumped onto our tubes. At least she did. I kind of lumbered like a walrus scooting onto a rock. If the Walrus on the rock found himself laying the wrong way and upside down and with his sputtering face in the water.

I eventually got situated. And placed my beer can into my lap and enjoyed the blue sky and sunshine while I hooked me feet under Kim’s tube and we romantically swirled gently with the current.

“How did you learn to hook your feet like that so that we could stay together?”

“Oh. I’ve been on lots of float trips. We have these rivers in Missouri and I pretty much know what I’m doing”.

“Wow. I had no idea you were so experienced at this outdoor stuff and I feel so safe having you hooked onto my tube.”

We blew air-kisses at each other and I took a moment to look back and see Greg in a familiar beached Walrus position – but he was also wrestling with a rope connected to the extra tube. His wife, Roxi had a concerned – but helpless look as she urged him along and shouted instructions over the sound of the splashing and thrashing.

I felt a little guilty. But popped open my beer and looked forward – not back.

The 9-minute prelude seemed to last about 90 seconds.  At about the same time Greg got comfortable in his rig – we rounded a corner and I saw large white rocks on all sides and as far into the distance as I could see. I could not make out the landmarks that the instructor-expert-guide described. I saw a vast expanse of white rocks and white water.

I decided to unhook my feet from Kim’s tube.

I wonder how you are supposed to steer this thing.

We approached the rocks and the first prelude swell of water took the beer and coozie out of my lap. As I was trying to figure out how to miss the rock in front of me – the second rush of water flipped me upside down and I watched my dark red tube fly above me – a shadow silhouette against the bright blue sky as my face went under water.

Somehow I was able to clutch onto the tube with one hand and a rock with the other. I gasped for air and saw Greg’s double-rig floating ominously with no Greg. Thea was also in the water – holding her upside-down tube and looking for a way to swim through the rocks.

In the Normandy scenario – the boat doors dropped and the three of us got shot before we could even stand up.

I decided the current was too strong for me to execute my walrus move re-mount – so I began to float through the rocks and current. 

My knees and ankles and toes were banging against the rocks- but there was no pain. Adrenaline is a wonderful thing.

Eventually I got back on the tube. As did Thea and Greg. Kim, Roxi, and the others did not fall off.

Thea came over to check on me.

“You are bleeding”

“So are you”

We both had a trickle of blood coming from our knees and I noticed that the dark red color of the tubes was pretty clever – because it masked the bloodstains.

“We have a long way to go”

“Yeah. Let’s go find Pete. I think he saved our coozies”.  Pete had quickly figured out how to steer his tube and he could nimbly scat around the surface of the water at will.

When we could get within shouting distance - Greg quipped, “I guess we should have practiced our re-mount during that first 9 minutes, huh?”

Each of us made it under Concussion Bridge without injury and we settled into a routine of measured chaos for several miles.

Amanda wore a large straw hat that covered her face – but it made it easy to locate her when we all got separated. She was usually leading the way, along with Pete.  At one point I lost track of the rest of our group – but saw the straw hat not far away so I floated along for a bit and thought to myself “wow – I must be going faster- because Amanda is floating along beside me and she is usually out in front “.

I turned to say something to her and she looked at me… It wasn’t Amanda after all. It was some stranger in a similar hat who was getting creeped out about me infringing into her personal space – and wasn’t eager to engage in small talk.

I had fallen far behind the rest of the group.

Roxi took command of the beer cooler rig. I planned to eventually take a turn. That never happened. She escorted it for the rest of the trip.

At one point Kim told me that she should offer to take a turn managing the rig. I told her “No. Roxi is more athletic than you are. She knows how to do outdoor stuff. She’s got it. Don’t worry about it”. Kim opened her mouth to argue with me – but she never said a word because she realized I was right.

Late into the trip, I rounded a corner and I could see Roxi in the distance. She was on the left side of the river, stranded on a rock and surrounded by rushing water. The rope securing the rig was still attached to both and she was calmly sitting on top of the rock evaluating her next move.

I judged that the opposite side of the river was the better route for me- so I willed my tube to go right. A better man would have willed his tube to go left so he could try to save her.  And since my will to nudge my tube left or right has no actual bearing on my direction of travel – I should lie and say I tried to save Roxi. But that isn’t what happened.

What did happen is that I ricocheted off of rocks and spun and swerved on a random path through the current and ended up going left- toward Roxi. I settled into a current that had me heading more or less towards her.

I wasn’t close enough to reach her – but I put on my best act of lunging, reaching, stretching out my fingers so that she could grab me and be saved. I strained and implored her – just…. Grab…. My ….hand… I…. will…. Pull…. You…. Off …. The …rooooock…

As I passed by her – she sat squarely on top of the rock – with water rushing all around her--- and she didn’t reach out to me. The expression on her face said

“Dude. Even if I could reach you – you would just jerk me upside down into the water and then I would have a bigger problem…”

And she smiled politely and then took an exaggerated long sip from her mixed drink as I continued on.

I knew that Greg was behind me. It’s a husband’s duty to save his wife. So it’s probably good that I didn’t get to be the hero. I’ll let him get the glory. That was my plan all along.

Greg will be the hero and redeem us for making her haul the beer cooler the entire journey.

I turned around to watch the heroic rescue. No Greg. Then I located him. He was at the extreme other side of the river. On the path that I originally willed that I could follow.  He shouted something to her. In his authoritative, husbandly voice… I couldn’t hear it clearly, but something like…

“Rox…Rox…!! Push yourself off the Rock!!! And the beer is snagged too!”

Eventually some outdoorsy guys saved Roxi. I think they had Kayaks. Cheaters. She never got wet. Not even a drop.

Amanda, Pete, Roxi, and Kim never fell off of their tubes.  Pete logged the most miles because he learned how to steer and he was in charge of retrieving our lost items.

Nick made it all the way to within site of the finish – and dumped himself in a fairly calm stretch. I didn’t see what happened. When I asked about it he didn’t really answer because he was seething about losing an expensive pair of sunglasses. I think he may have been trying to take a selfie at the finish line.

In the Normandy scenario – Nick made it to the top of the cliffs, blew up some stuff, and died in a bar fight over a pretty French girl.

On the drive home, Kim commented, “Dear, I can’t believe you fell off of your tube so much. You aren’t usually the one who falls when we do things”.

Um hmmm… I blew her an air kiss – but she didn’t notice. I think she was daydreaming about the outdoorsy guys who ruled the river with command of their Kayaks…