Our group of friends decided to enjoy a Summer Sunday in
Utah by taking a tube trip down a river. The guys were in charge of the
logistics. Nick did most of the actual work – while Greg and I defined the
parameters. Nick researched and found all of the options within a 2-hour drive
from Park City.
Greg and I eliminated all that had prohibitions on beer.
That meant there were 2 options. Nick immediately agreed and felt silly for
wasting time on the others.
We chose the one that “discouraged” beer but, in a slight
contradiction, also provided a beer cooler inner-tube option. We spent about
.001 seconds considering the “discourage” part and about 3 hours evaluating how
many coolers we could cram into the cooler tube. And another couple of hours
debating our strategy for type and size of beer cans to shove in the coolers.
We finally settled on twist-top pint-sized cans of Coors
Light. And two cooler tubes (one would
obviously not be enough). And we’ll load them with soft-sided coolers.
The Friday before the event I had some time over lunch so I
decided to do a little research on the river. How dangerous is it? Are there
rapids? Water falls? Snakes? Any information I could get would be useful. I
started to type in the google search for xxxxx River Tube Rides … before I hit
<return> …
“Wait, I don’t have a
very good soft-sided beer cooler!”
So I jumped out of my
chair and drove to REI and bought a better one. It took a long time because
there are so many to choose from. By the time I got back to my desk I didn’t
have any time to do any research on the river.
So Sunday came and the sky was blue and the sun was shining.
And we met Greg, Roxi, Nick, Amanda, Pete, and Thea at the parking lot meeting
place and put on our sunscreen and jumped on the bus to the get-in-the-water
place.
There were stacks of dark red tubes surrounding a grassy
lawn area and the girls inspected and selected the perfect tube while the boys
huddled around the beer cooler tubes testing out different configurations of
coolers and argued about which knot would be most appropriate to lash the
cooler tubes to the person tubes.
We lost track of time and I heard a woman’s voice in the
distance, speaking with authoritative tone… military-like cadence of delivery –
but with a fatigued “I do this 100 times a day” level of energy. I realized that she was the guide / expert /
instructor and we were missing out on some important information.
So I moved away from the beer cooler project to where I
could hear her droll, lifeless presentation…
“…. Do not mount your
tube on this side of the river. You will get stuck in the tree branches around
the corner. And you will get hurt. Walk your tube to the far side of the
current and mount it there. Once on the tube you will have 9 minutes to get a
feel for how to control your tube. After 9 minutes you will see two large rocks
with a chute between them. That is the beginning of Rock Alley. Stay left of
the Chute or you will get hurt… Once you exit Rock Alley you will encounter
Concussion Bridge. There are three tunnels under the bridge. Do not take the
left tunnel or your tube will be punctured by rebar and you will be stranded
under the bridge. Do not go into the middle tunnel or the rushing current will
trap you against a pile concrete. Go to the right. There is an arrow painted on
the bridge. And remember to duck or you will get hurt… and on … and on”
Imagine the Normandy scene where the soldiers are crowded in
the boats heading toward the beach with the shells blowing up all around them.
“Troops pay attention.
These doors will open and you will make your way to the beach. You will engage
the enemy in gunfire. Make your way across the beach to the base of the cliffs.
Stay to the left of the big rock or you will get hurt. You will climb the
cliffs and you will blow up some stuff at the top and then you will wait for
further instructions…”
It was time to get in the water.
I had a vision of being stuck in rushing white water -
straddling a rock in “rock alley” near the mouth of the wrong-way concussion
tunnel with the cooler tube on one side and me on the other side with the rope
hopelessly snagged.
I looked over and Nick was already lashing one of the
coolers to his tube. That left one more.
“Hey, Greg! You
good? Kim says she needs some help over
here getting on her tube so you got that… okay?”
Kim gave me a puzzled look.
I grabbed my first beer and coozie. Shoved it into a pocket
and we made our way across the waist high current to the far side of the river
and Kim and I gracefully jumped onto our tubes. At least she did. I kind of
lumbered like a walrus scooting onto a rock. If the Walrus on the rock found
himself laying the wrong way and upside down and with his sputtering face in
the water.
I eventually got situated. And placed my beer can into my lap
and enjoyed the blue sky and sunshine while I hooked me feet under Kim’s tube
and we romantically swirled gently with the current.
“How did you learn to hook your feet like that so that we
could stay together?”
“Oh. I’ve been on lots of float trips. We have these rivers
in Missouri and I pretty much know what I’m doing”.
“Wow. I had no idea you were so experienced at this outdoor
stuff and I feel so safe having you hooked onto my tube.”
We blew air-kisses at each other and I took a moment to look
back and see Greg in a familiar beached Walrus position – but he was also
wrestling with a rope connected to the extra tube. His wife, Roxi had a
concerned – but helpless look as she urged him along and shouted instructions
over the sound of the splashing and thrashing.
I felt a little guilty. But popped open my beer and looked
forward – not back.
The 9-minute prelude seemed to last about 90 seconds. At about the same time Greg got comfortable
in his rig – we rounded a corner and I saw large white rocks on all sides and
as far into the distance as I could see. I could not make out the landmarks
that the instructor-expert-guide described. I saw a vast expanse of white rocks
and white water.
I decided to unhook my feet from Kim’s tube.
I wonder how you are
supposed to steer this thing.
We approached the rocks and the first prelude swell of water
took the beer and coozie out of my lap. As I was trying to figure out how to
miss the rock in front of me – the second rush of water flipped me upside down
and I watched my dark red tube fly above me – a shadow silhouette against the
bright blue sky as my face went under water.
Somehow I was able to clutch onto the tube with one hand and
a rock with the other. I gasped for air and saw Greg’s double-rig floating ominously
with no Greg. Thea was also in the water – holding her upside-down tube and
looking for a way to swim through the rocks.
In the Normandy scenario – the boat doors dropped and the
three of us got shot before we could even stand up.
I decided the current was too strong for me to execute my
walrus move re-mount – so I began to float through the rocks and current.
My knees and ankles and toes were banging against the rocks-
but there was no pain. Adrenaline is a wonderful thing.
Eventually I got back on the tube. As did Thea and Greg.
Kim, Roxi, and the others did not fall off.
Thea came over to check on me.
“You are bleeding”
“So are you”
We both had a trickle of blood coming from our knees and I
noticed that the dark red color of the tubes was pretty clever – because it
masked the bloodstains.
“We have a long way to go”
“Yeah. Let’s go find Pete. I think he saved our coozies”. Pete had quickly figured out how to steer his
tube and he could nimbly scat around the surface of the water at will.
When we could get within shouting distance - Greg quipped,
“I guess we should have practiced our re-mount during that first 9 minutes,
huh?”
Each of us made it under Concussion Bridge without injury
and we settled into a routine of measured chaos for several miles.
Amanda wore a large straw hat that covered her face – but it
made it easy to locate her when we all got separated. She was usually leading
the way, along with Pete. At one point I
lost track of the rest of our group – but saw the straw hat not far away so I
floated along for a bit and thought to myself “wow – I must be going faster-
because Amanda is floating along beside me and she is usually out in front “.
I turned to say something to her and she looked at me… It
wasn’t Amanda after all. It was some stranger in a similar hat who was getting
creeped out about me infringing into her personal space – and wasn’t eager to
engage in small talk.
I had fallen far behind the rest of the group.
Roxi took command of the beer cooler rig. I planned to
eventually take a turn. That never happened. She escorted it for the rest of
the trip.
At one point Kim told me that she should offer to take a
turn managing the rig. I told her “No. Roxi is more athletic than you are. She
knows how to do outdoor stuff. She’s got it. Don’t worry about it”. Kim opened
her mouth to argue with me – but she never said a word because she realized I
was right.
Late into the trip, I rounded a corner and I could see Roxi
in the distance. She was on the left side of the river, stranded on a rock and
surrounded by rushing water. The rope securing the rig was still attached to
both and she was calmly sitting on top of the rock evaluating her next move.
I judged that the opposite side of the river was the better
route for me- so I willed my tube to go right. A better man would have willed
his tube to go left so he could try to save her. And since my will to nudge my tube left or
right has no actual bearing on my direction of travel – I should lie and say I
tried to save Roxi. But that isn’t what happened.
What did happen is that I ricocheted off of rocks and spun
and swerved on a random path through the current and ended up going left-
toward Roxi. I settled into a current that had me heading more or less towards
her.
I wasn’t close enough to reach her – but I put on my best
act of lunging, reaching, stretching out my fingers so that she could grab me
and be saved. I strained and implored her – just…. Grab…. My ….hand… I…. will….
Pull…. You…. Off …. The …rooooock…
As I passed by her – she sat squarely on top of the rock –
with water rushing all around her--- and she didn’t reach out to me. The
expression on her face said
“Dude. Even if I could reach you – you would just jerk me
upside down into the water and then I would have a bigger problem…”
And she smiled politely and then took an exaggerated long
sip from her mixed drink as I continued on.
I knew that Greg was behind me. It’s a husband’s duty to
save his wife. So it’s probably good that I didn’t get to be the hero. I’ll let
him get the glory. That was my plan all along.
Greg will be the hero
and redeem us for making her haul the beer cooler the entire journey.
I turned around to watch the heroic rescue. No Greg. Then I
located him. He was at the extreme other side of the river. On the path that I
originally willed that I could follow.
He shouted something to her. In his authoritative, husbandly voice… I
couldn’t hear it clearly, but something like…
“Rox…Rox…!! Push
yourself off the Rock!!! And the beer is snagged too!”
Eventually some outdoorsy guys saved Roxi. I think they had
Kayaks. Cheaters. She never got wet. Not even a drop.
Amanda, Pete, Roxi, and Kim never fell off of their
tubes. Pete logged the most miles
because he learned how to steer and he was in charge of retrieving our lost
items.
Nick made it all the way to within site of the finish – and
dumped himself in a fairly calm stretch. I didn’t see what happened. When I
asked about it he didn’t really answer because he was seething about losing an
expensive pair of sunglasses. I think he may have been trying to take a selfie
at the finish line.
In the Normandy scenario – Nick made it to the top of the
cliffs, blew up some stuff, and died in a bar fight over a pretty French girl.
On the drive home, Kim commented, “Dear, I can’t believe you
fell off of your tube so much. You aren’t usually the one who falls when we do
things”.
Um hmmm… I blew her an air kiss – but she didn’t notice. I
think she was daydreaming about the outdoorsy guys who ruled the river with
command of their Kayaks…
